If this is your first time reading these posts, please scroll to the bottom of this post to find the whole series.
I know that you are probably confused about all of this and why I am doing this. I am sure even more confused as to why I chose this avenue about doing all of this. Don’t worry. I have already been asked a bunch of times, why online?
For me, its accountability. If I am doing this, and people are reading, I will have to follow through. I will have to finish and get out everything that I WANT to say, but have been to scared to say.
The truth is, I have always, always, always since I first saw your name in my baby book, wanted to know who you where. I wanted to see you. I wanted to love you. I wanted you to love me. I just wanted love. I wanted everything to be perfect. But it wasn’t.
Until I found you.
I was so excited and scared. I wanted nothing more than to have a daddy that loved his little girl more than anything. I wanted the perfect relationship. But I was so scared that you would want nothing to do with me.
Boy was I wrong. I have gotten everything I wanted and more.
I admit that I have been terrible. I have not emailed, called, or wrote no where NEAR as much as I should. I denied your wish to meet me. It was cruel. I should have let you come visit when you and mom where planning to surprise me. I should have taken that leap of faith and just went with it. I apologize. I kick myself all the time for not letting you come.
I re-read that first email you sent me a hundred times. I cry every time that I read you have wondered about me and what I have become. The good news is that I think I have turned out pretty freaking fabulous! I also want you to know that I do not hold blame to you for anything. I forgave you a long time ago. I know you and my mother where young and because of that, made some sucky decisions. Decisions that you have had to deal with for a long time. Decisions that have been eating you up inside. It is ok.
This is what I would like to propose to you.
We have spent my whole entire life apart & I know you are dying to see me. To Hug me. And to look me right in the face and see you in me.
There is NOTHING more in this world that I want than to see you, meet you, hug you. To feel whole. I want you to save money. Come to Wisconsin. I want you to come for Thanksgiving. But I will be nice and since you are from Florida and allow a warmer season visit.
Larry and I are planning on getting married. I was going to try for this summer, but it just is not going to happen. So when you come, be prepared. Because, not only do I want you to witness Larry & I getting married, I want you to walk down the aisle with your daughter and give her a way to her husband. I want to have the father/daughter dance with you. And I want you to be proud. Even though I know both of us will be crying our eyes out, I want you to be happy. And I want you to feel complete and to feel the love from me that you deserve.
I promise to try to get over my fears and call more, write more, and love more. But do not ever doubt for a second that I don’t love you because my heart swells. Then I feel guilty because I don’t do more. I want to change that.
We have lost a lot of time together and I do not want to loose anymore.
And because you have never seen it written anywhere:
I love you Dad!